You’ve likely heard “Fancy Like” at some point in the last year, and maybe it’s the most you’ve cared to think about Applebee’s during a stretch of years where it just hasn’t been ‘the vibe’. But what you might not know is it’s off an album with 12 other tracks that’s simply titled Country Stuff The Album. It’s questionable just how well the title suits the record, and it’s sort of a mystery how much cringe we’ll find on this 39-minute adventure. But like Bruno Mars, I am jumping in front of the train for you. Let’s see if we can separate how much of the album is country and how much of it is stuff.

Track One: “Drinking Songs”. In name alone, the bar is set obviously quite high for what to expect here. This middle-aged father sings about potentially picking up women at the bar which is incredibly uncomfortably. It feels like Hayes definitely had a couple cold ones as he unknowing runs Hank Williams’ name through the mud. Even more odd for an artist whose Wikipedia page says he’s been sober for a bit.

“AA” is, admittedly, catchy. Don’t that hide the fact he’s singing about trying to keep his daughters from becoming strippers, claiming he’s another John Deere guy, and rhyming “jail” with “hell”. He’s apparently trying to write a song a local country station will play, which isn’t surprising because if you’re looking for country, this ain’t it.

Hayes mumbles and sort of raps through “Life With You”. It feels kind of like a 90s boyband track or that College Humor parody of Vitamin C’s graduation song. The background vocals of random shouting and “ayyyyyy” only add to the comedic effect. Once again, I can’t fault you if you forget this is written by a man in his forties.

Up next: “U Gurl”. Okay, maybe Hayes is in on the joke? This time, he puts George Strait on the chopping block before commenting on looking at girls with cherry bottoms. Instrumentally, there might ACTUALLY be a little bit of country on this one. But there is far more midlife crisis.

Hayes actually references TikTok on “Delorean” and I’m starting to question if this whole thing is some complex inside joke. Why is he singing about a girl’s dad about to be mad at him?

“Fancy Like” needs no additional commentary. Next, please.

Somehow Hayes got contemporary Christian band MercyMe on what sounds like a Bubba Sparxxx b-side. This is one of the most confusing songs, but at least Hayes admits he has six kids so you can feel just how far he is from being well-adjusted as he sings about drinking and hitting on girls on the other songs. The general premise of “Craig” seems to be about Craig helping get an extra seatbelt added to Hayes’ Chrysler so all his kids can be buckled up? I feel like I’m making this up. I hope I am.

“What You Don’t Wish For” is a bit more heartfelt and even shows a bit more thought lyrically. I’ll give this one a pass as a standard pop song. There really isn’t much country here still, and there’s still some awkward pseudo rapping – but this one has some more potential to go big than some of the other tracks here.

Next up, Hayes decides to introduce a surprising cover of Beck’s “Loser”. Oh wait, no, it’s the title track of the album. Common mistake. Hayes lists a generic amount of things that he claims to be “country stuff” which makes me immediately admire HARDY’s “Rednecker” which jabs at the trend of songwriters flaunting how “country” they are. Again, there are fratboy backing vocals going “ayyyy”. And Hayes once again gets flirtatious, mentioning he likes “girls who like the woods” and how he likes “kissing them on the hood”. Does… does his wife know about this album? And if this represents the spirit of the record, can we really take any of it seriously?

“I Hope You Miss Me” feels like Zac Brown meets pop punk. It’s sort of endearing, actually. Hayes reflects on someone moving out to LA on a journey of self-discovery. He thinks she has potential to make it big, but he hopes she misses him. So, yeah, it’s a pop punk song.

“Briefcase”. Ugh. So skippable.

“Make You Cry” did not in fact make me cry. 0/10. In all seriousness, this one also has some mainstream potential. The keys, percussion, and banjo work as pretty powerful interweaving layers. Lyrics oscillate between personal and inane. But all in all, there’s pop appeal at play.

Finally, the last track. “What If We Did”. Hayes wonders if he could have a relationship that lasted for once. Maybe if he stopped kissing random girls on the hood of his car, he would. He drops a number of country clichés, and female guest vocals interject at moment just awkwardly enough to be completely disorienting.

Well, that was definitely 13 songs. Admittedly, a few of them are catchy and do have mainstream potential. There are assuredly plenty of people who eat this stuff up without second thought. But there is something frankly weird about a father of six channeling his inner “upcoming 20s rapper”. At times, he feels like Machine Gun Kelly even. The lyrical content doesn’t feel seasoned or seem to really have much sense of struggle behind it at all. It’s as if Hayes left college but college never left him. Okay, it’s pop. It’s like this. I get it. But as he drops rebels like Hank Williams and innovators like George Strait, I can’t help but feels like Hayes is so far from either. Country Stuff The Album is carelessly aimed at the undiscerning; it may not be great musically, but it sure did give me a laugh or two along the way and that’s worth something.