by Casey Gallenberger

Let’s do an experiment where I listen to a full Weezer album and share my candid thoughts.

I first discovered Weezer via proxy of the radio—it was “Perfect Situation,” a song that my brain still uninitiated to the depth and width of creative expression, found pretty cool. “Beverly Hills” came after; “The Sweater Song” was illegally downloaded on my iPod by my half-sister; “My Name is Jonas” was on Guitar Hero. Of course, I’ve stumbled onto other tracks like “El Scorcho” and “King of the World.”

But honestly nothing has ever compelled me to listen to a full Weezer album. Do I think Weezer has more substance than Top 40s? Definitely. And Rivers Cuomo’s pace for writing songs is rarely rivaled in the mainstream. But when my favorite bands are writing concept albums with full brass arrangements about metaphysical constructs (note: some hyperbole), Weezer by comparison feels a bit stale. Maybe it’s because they built the very instrument of their demise by founding a genre of Weezerlikes that have saturated the market a bit. Maybe it’s because some of their work just feels like a gimmick.

But what if I strapped myself into a chair, used an apparatus to keep my eyes open, and listened to the entirety of Van Weezer against my moral compass? What if the most time I spent considering the substance of Weezer’s songwriting involved the album that borrows from “Crazy Train”? Read on and find out.

Our journey begins with “Hero.” I’ve eaten two grilled cheeses and had a bottle of ginger beer to prepare. It’s 80 degrees. The song kicks off with glamrock-style chords, references to superheroes, and a lyrical approach that has all the cognitive complexity of Imagine Dragons lyrics. There’s a play at an arena rock sound here, with some production nuance to create a sense of three-dimensionality. Four minutes later, I’m still doing okay. The bar is neither too high nor too low.

“All the Good Ones” sounds like “Beverly Hills” two-point-oh. It follows similar stomp and clap rhythms, with a bit of synth embellishment. But even so it’s a little catchy. Sure, it’s not the longest entry on Genius by any stretch, but fun hasn’t been made illegal just yet. It’s now 9 at night. I cracked a window, because who can afford AC?

“You’ve got me cryin’ like when Aslan died.” Oh, it’s that song. Also, there’s a reference to being on an island with no sun. It’s not the most poetic reference, but I must confess it is a reference nonetheless. “The End of the Game” is another track heavily influenced by 80s rock, and upon close listen, there’s definitely an odd gap between the faux-heavy sound of the instruments and the… clean nature of Cuomo’s voice? At this point we’re talking about our favorite Shrek characters in a group chat. Mine’s Shrek.

Track number four. There are six more to go? “I Need Some of That” feels ambiguously Weezer. But the chorus reminds of “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” which is a redeeming quality. I have trouble believing anyone is actually raging in a hatchback, though. So far this is one of the more interesting tracks. But there’s a lot to go yet, so we’ll see how it holds up. I actually listened to this whole song without being distracted.

“Beginning of the End.” Is this track named after my attention span? We’ll see. Initial impression: generic Weezer song created via copy/paste from earlier in their discography. Which album did they copy from? Don’t ask dumb questions. You know I haven’t listened to a full Weezer album intently already. There’s a weird tapped solo thrown in for retro effect. All things considered, there are some interesting creative choices here. As a far of more progressive styles, I see hints of something I like. Sort of like how you look at diamonds and see hints of carbon.

“Blue Dream” = “Crazy Train,” enough said. At least William Maranci’s mashups are finally getting mainstream exposure. I’m so disinterested in commenting further, but like a high school student trying to hit a word cap for an essay, here are some more thoughts: it’s not bad, but there’s so much baggage with the original song that my brain can’t override. I’m thinking about how I need to practice piano tonight still.

“Pump it up into me, please daddy.” Big yikes. “1 More Hit” does not live up to its name. It’s perhaps the most concentrated lyrical cringe I’ve seen here so far. I’m hoping there isn’t anything worse. Somewhere beneath the dumpster fire of Cuomo’s wordplay, there’s something actually kind of catchy vocally. Musically, it’s a pass.

“Sheila Can Do It” was probably written on drugs. Or maybe Cuomo gave up on the lyrics, much like how I feel like giving up right now. Seriously, what is this song about?

Interesting, a soft, guitar-only intro. But after that, “She Needs Me” reminds me of what my old college roommate’s pop punk band does musically. Admittedly, my attention has been piqued once again. I wouldn’t even say this is particularly a strong track, but it certainly stands out as feeling unique for the most part. It’s neither too retro nor too Weezery. One more track to go, final stretch.

Acoustic guitar intro? While this stripped down track played, I spent some time looking up what exactly counts as a precious metal. Gold, silver, platinum, palladium, rhodium, and iridium are just a few on the list. In the process of this research, I miss most of the lyrical nuance of the track (or lack thereof?). Is she a precious girl who likes metal? Is she a robotic mail-order bride? “Precious Metal Girl” doesn’t really tell us. Or maybe it does if you’re not trying to decide if the girl could theoretically be made of copper.

And just like that I made it through the whole album. I can’t say I’m particularly tired or annoyed, but I’m not very excited or impressed either. Nothing immediately warrants a second play, except perhaps to dive into some of the very odd lyrics at play here. Ultimately I’m content with one listen. Also it just started raining, so I need to bring my succulents inside. I guess that’s all for now.

Weezer can be found on Facebook and Instagram.