Words by Steve Knapp
It’s the end of the year and if you’re able to read this article, I assume you made it here alive–congratulations all around. Not gonna lie, a lot went down in 2015 and I feel an intense fire inside to end it in a way that not only pays it respect but also ends it with a bang. So when I was given the task to create a year end list and review the musical equivalent of instant mashed potatoes, I knew my time had come.
But a man can’t simply “review” Enya. For one, she’s worth something north of $140 million so she at least deserves the write-up equivalent of living in an Irish castle. You should know going into this that Dark Sky Island is actually Enya’s return to recording in her first album since 2008. Admit it, you missed her. That said, there’s a lot to learn from Ireland’s favorite mystic singer (and no, Phil Lynott is not a “mystic singer,” just awesome–I checked), so I’ve devised a list of all I took in while absorbing her latest LP.
Here’s what I learned after spending just short of an hour with everyone’s favorite vocalist:
- Franzia is garbage water that tastes like thinned out Kool-Aid.
Shouldn’t I know this already? Why was I drinking Franzia in the first place? Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize Enya was the musical bastion for craft beer enthusiasts. Of course it had to be Franzia. That said, it didn’t make the musical experience anymore delightful and ran up a pretty fierce sugar headache about halfway through Enya’s latest masterpiece. To fix similar headaches listen to: Purple by Baroness.
- There is a wicked piano solo hidden somewhere in the album
Listen, you might think you’re above such an album as this, but you aren’t. And while most of this recording sounds like one song on repeat, there are some moments of…well..acceptability. Just know there’s a pretty cool piano solo is included in the album, but also know that there’s no way in hell I’m actually going back through to find it. Hopefully it comes as a surprise once you happen upon it. However, it came as no surprise that this record was great (it also came out on my birthday): Bleeder by Mutoid Man.
- The clave player in the finale needs to work on consistent dynamics
Like a guitar solo that’s slightly out of tune, everyone can hear a spotty clave performance. And while I’m sure there’s some sort of “clave hero” out there who is shaking in their grave at me saying this, I couldn’t help but frown upon the lack of consistency found in the final song. For an album devoid of lackluster clave performances: I Love You, Honeybear by Father John Misty.
- Enya looks like someone pretending to be Enya
I did my due diligence and I watched the video released with this album. While some might claim the fact that there’s a full string section featured without one to be heard in the actual song to be the most jarring addition to the music video, I’d like to draw their attention to Enya herself. Without ever seeing this performer before, you could probably pick her out in a crowd, but here it’s a little too convincing. I’m not saying she’s been replaced by an Enya Robot, buuuut you should watch the video and draw your own conclusions. For a band that doesn’t look like Enya, check out: Algiers by Algiers
- Hold up. Enya’s worth $140 million?
You heard right. Everyone’s favorite chanter of the ethereal is worth more money than all of your friends and relatives combined. How? Who hasn’t heard that song off of Pure Moods? That’s like the Freebird of Candle Stores and places you can get your palm read. What album should be worth $140 million? Meliora by Ghost.
And with that, 2015 can officially draw to a close. I know, I know, you hardly know a thing about Enya’s new album. You say that, but the reality is you know as much as you need to. If you’ve heard one Enya song, you’ve heard them all. That’s not knocking Enya as an artist, it’s simply the truth. I’d like to say that listening to Dark Sky Island was a life changing experience, but really it had the lasting effect of licking an envelope.
Thanks everyone for reading this year! Expect more from me in 2016 as I explore the Chicago scene for Tuned Up.
If that’s not enough, checkout: Coma Ecliptic by Between the Buried and Me, …As Long as the Money Laster by Royale, American Graffiti by Strawberry Girls, and Have You in My Wilderness by Julia Holter.
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