Furnace Fest 22 Lineup Reaction (From the Perspective a Man Expecting His First Child a Few Weeks Before the Fest)

The Elder Emo corners of the internet are abuzz today as the lineup for Furnace Fest 22 lineup has been announced. There’s sure to be plenty of ex-youth groups in their mid to upper thirties scrambling for tickets, as the festival threatens to deliver yet another year of sweet nostalgia on a silver platter.

I had previously attended Furnace Fest 21, and had one of the most profound experiences of my life. Having so many artists that have meant so much to me for so long was absolutely transcendent. It was a joy unsurpassed by any experience I had ever had—until my wife told me she was pregnant with our first child.

…a child who is due August 29. Four weeks before Furnace Fest 22.

And let me tell you, judging by the lineup they dropped today, I’m almost glad I’m going to be taking care of a child instead of subjecting myself to this.

Let’s just start with the obvious ones.

Thrice? Playing The Illusion of Safety? Thrice may be my second favorite band ever (behind mewithoutYou, whose Farewell tour also was announced today), but The Illusion of Safety isn’t in my top five Thrice albums. I don’t even care if I got it for my sixteenth birthday and still get psyched out of my mind every time I’ve seen them bust out “Deadbolt” as an encore. I don’t even care if they were the one band that I was specifically disappointed wasn’t booked for FF21. A live set of The Illusion of Safety in the hot Alabama sun is not my idea of a good time.

Then there’s A New Found Glory. What is this, seventh grade? Am I discovering pop punk for the first time? Am I playing “Hit or Miss” on repeat as I struggle to follow along on bass guitar? Seriously, you act like my mind is still blown by their cover of “My Heart Will Go On” off of From the Screen To Your Stereo, their excellent collection of cover songs from movies. You think I care that one of the catchiest pop punk bands of all time is playing? As if.

Manchester Orchestra? C’mon. Sure Andy Hull’s an incredible songwriter, and yeah, I GUESS they’ve released one of the most consistent strings of albums in modern history while changing up their sound every time. So what if The Million Masks of God was on my year-end list last year? Are they really that good? Okay, this one stings actually. This one hurts.

And can we talk about Mastodon for a second? What in the world is one of the most important heavy metal bands of the last twenty years doing at Furnace Fest? Sure, I know Deafheaven played last year, but they at least have a significant overlap with emo and hardcore fans. Mastodon is…well, great, sure, but I never thought I’d ever see them on the same festival lineup as, say, Elliott. Wait. Elliott is playing? And they’re playing False Cathedrals in full?!? Son of a…

Oh sure, and let’s cap all the headliner sets off with the Freaking Descendents. I guess the organizers didn’t book enough aging white men last time around, so they’re doubling down. Who wants to see a bunch of dudes pushing sixty play hardcore punk? I don’t care if they are absolute pioneers in the genre. If you’re old enough to get the senior discount at the Old Country Buffet without being IDed, you’re too old to keep singing songs about going to college, Milo. I don’t care how important you are to so many people.

Cool, alright, Quicksand. I know a ton of people love them for pioneering the sort of anthemic post hardcore that would be a huge influence on bands like Thrice, Glassjaw, and Deftones, but like. Are they even that good? I know their reunion stuff in the last few years has been maybe even better than their classic groundbreaking works, but c’mon. We can do better than that, Furnace Fest.

Blindside. Big deal! Who cares? Not me. I certainly didn’t put them on my wishlist for last year’s fest, and I certainly didn’t buy new copies of Silence and About a Burning Fire within the last twelve months because my copies were too trashed from nearly twenty years of constant play. I bet they’re just gonna play that goofy vampire song we all thought was so cool.

I barely even need to read the names in smaller print to know it’s gonna be a complete nothing burger of a fest. I mean like. Appleseed Cast? Pedro the Lion? Nothing? Slow Crush?! Squad Five-O? MAYLENE AND THE SONS OF DISASTER?!?! ROADSIDE MONUMENT?! >?!?! ROADSIDE MONUMENT IS REUNITING?!!>?!!? WHAT!!!! And oh look, my boys Idle Threat! That’s a good get. Great news for Idle Threat.

Okay, Mom Jeans. I legitimately can’t stand them. This part isn’t kayfabe. I mean it. I have no qualms at all missing Furnace Fest if it means being nowhere near Mom Jeans. I’d much rather be at home with my newborn child than be anywhere near them. The rest of the lineup isn’t enticing enough to make up for that one band that will probably only play a thirty minute set that will likely overlap with a band I would want to see. It’s not like the question mark band is mewithoutYou (whose final show in Philadelphia is a week before my baby is due), so I won’t be too sad about missing it.

Oh shoot, what if it’s Sunny Day Real Estate? I bet it’s Sunny Day Real Estate. They’re back together now, and you know there’s no way they wouldn’t be playing this fest. Ugh. Sunny Day? Are you serious? Jeez…

Alright, kids under five get in free. Let me just find some of these noise-canceling earmuffs. Imagine how cool this kid is gonna be if this is their first show ever.

Wait…my wife is telling me that’s a no-go. Dang it.

This better be one cute baby.

Furnace Fest 22 is in Birmingham, Alabama September 23-25, four weeks after my wife’s due date. I guess you can buy tickets if you aren’t going to be at home with a newborn.

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